THE TOMOQUOISE TALES

"I'm not as stupid as you impure goyims think I am," muttered Tomoko, feeling smugly confident as she stared at her intricate laptop suspension platform. Concealed within the dense entanglement of white dental floss was a Toshiba laptop; crudely decorated with Japanese cartoon stickers. She snickered to herself as she browsed /trv/ and the Tomoquo simultaneously; pausing every few minutes to download a new, exciting landscape.

As she shifted her orientation in the bathtub, a cavitation bubble formed from the rapid change in pressure. Racing to the surface of the sloshing, dark, filthy waves in the raging waters, the bubble collapsed; catapulting a spray of bathwater onto the dental floss suspending her laptop. As the wax washed away from the fiber, the dense vapor filling the air slowly dissolved the supports until a loud snapping noise was heard.

Tomoko only had time to whisper "..huh?" before her laptop slid from the table on which it was held and plunged into the greasy water. Immediately, the battery contained inside the laptop shorted with the contents of the tub, and the resistance of Tomoko's skin, greatly reduced by its wetness, did little to protect her from the resulting current. With only the thick pads of her feet and palms exposed to the danger within the murk, Tomoko was fortunate as her nylon polymer pajamas served as an excellent insulator. However, as the My Little Pony-decorated nightwear began to resistively heat, it quickly melted away, and Tomoko was electrocuted to death in a tub at the hands of her laptop because she was too fucking impatient to take a break from the computer.

---

"That's bullshit," mouthed Tomoko after reading Seth's dramatization of her inevitable death at the hands of the sneaky Japanese.

"Typical Western propaganda; always reliant on hyperbole and inaccuracies," she laughed; slapping her hand against the air like a sassy black woman. As she did this, however, her fingers impacted with her Toshiba laptop, which fell directly into her bath water and left her with severe burns and an irrational phobia of electronics to replace her irrational fear of Naegleria fowleri.

"That's bullshit", shouted Tomoko, after having read two stories poking fun at her at (3?)(4?):05 AM. She laughed at the sheer impossibility of killing herself in a slapstick routine as Oaky "Nerd Obliterator" M.C.S.S.D. had described; making sure to not knock her laptop overboard.

As she rinsed the soap off of her frayed, water-damaged clothes and face, a sneaky Naegleria fowler began its long journey to Tomoko's brain.

"Fuck off!" cried Tomoko in sheer desperation as she realized Oaky had written four consecutive posts.

'why are you so mean,' she began to write, when Bibi Netanyahu burst into her bathroom with a Rafael-made Goliath's Club(tm) sledgehammer and reminded her of the dangers of American decadence. In her shock, she dropped her laptop into her amoeba-infested water and electrocuted herself.

Now Tomoko was mad.

"Nobody talks shit about Bibi in a story; especially not some dirty stinkin goyim!" she shouted in her empty trailer. Preparing to exact revenge, she stood up in her bathtub and began her long trek to the west coast while holding her tub up like a cartoon character.

Though she managed to reach the Arizonan border, she suddenly evaporated due to the relativistic effects of day light savings time.

"I'm not mad..." Tomoko whispered to herself as she read all of Oaky's rich posts. She began to say it again - "I-I'm... not...."

"MAD!" she shouted with gusto, throwing her laptop against the wall and shattering it with the herculean strength of a thousand Spinnythingses. Leaping into the air from fright as she heard the horrible sounds of broken plastic, she let loose into the air a fine foam of stagnant bath water (which was now hours old and beginning to congeal into a solid substance); bolting out the bathroom door.

Unfortunately, she forgot that she had converted her apartment flat into a bathroom for the night, and was arrested outside by the peacekeeping boys in uniform.

"These are fuckin' great," said resident bench-pressing, 6' 3" champion Oaky McSmokey Skiddly Doo as he reviewed his work.

RTCity fainted at the sight of his latest tall Tomoko tale, and Spinnythings' mom found it strange that her son needed a new replacement screen for his Toughbook.

As he skimmed over his stories, he repeated, "a true god-damn masterpiece," and was, of course, correct. No man had ever written short stories as well as Oaky.

---

"Stop it! God damn it, stop it, you fucking goyim," Tomoko shouted at her dirty, crusty Toshiba laptop. As she typed out a scathing diatribe on her Tumblr blog about the impure, white, heterosexual male writing stories about her, bits of calcification flew about and a piece hit her in her face.

"What the FUCK?!" she wailed, throwing her arms about violently. After cleaning her keyboard, she finished her post and returned to the Tomoquo to find yet ANOTHER post describing exactly what she had just done.

"How does this disgusting non-Jew know what I'm doing?" she wondered; glancing every now and then at her window to make sure nobody was watching. Seeing a man walk by her window, she pissed herself in terror.

"Fuck me!" she cried, noting her bittersweet victory of being born part of God's chosen people (whose superior bodies knew to excrete the wastes of the urinary system as soon as possible).

"Oh, and I'm not in the fucking tub," she said, stepping out of the now-drained bathtub. She thought about changing out of her clothes, but decided against it.

---

Tomoko's eyes literally lit up as a pop-up illuminated her laptop screen.

"New PM from quality!" it read. Tomoko was excited - she knew it was confirmation that her best friend RTCity would be rooming with her for the next six months.

She could hardly hold her excitement as a 5'3" black male stepped into her door. Normally, Tomoko would have already shot the filthy intruder with her father's IMI TAR-21 bullpup rifle, but she had already prepared herself for his arrival.

"You're HERE!!" she exclaimed; unable to control herself as she ran up and hugged the first male she had ever touched. Miles away, Diseased suddenly felt angry, but he couldn't figure out why and went back to eating his McDonalds meal.

"What the fuck are you d-doing, n-n-nerd?" choked out RTCity as he tried to remember what amsk8r or Oaky would have said in the same situation. Tomoko was carefully arranging strips of arugala with one hand while draining the blood of a pig with the other.

"It's a Jewish tradition," Tomoko began; slicing away a strip of pig fat and wrapping arugala around it. "Anyway, I have to, like, make a test for the freshmen undergrads at my college; you want to help? Autistic kids are good at math, right?"

"Talk shit, get hit, bitch!" RT shouted; slapping a bitch like a true pimp. Tomoko recoiled as she felt the calloused hands of a working man impact her nasty face, then sat down at her dining table as if nothing had happened. Chris felt proud for putting a woman in her place.

"So, what's the math?" he inquired; staring at a mess of numbers and Greek symbols. "Oh, that's, uh... '5x^4-y^2+5xz^y dxdydz', that's impossible. You don't know what d is," he started.

Tomoko giggled to herself as she and RTCity looked over the completed test. She knew that the goyims in the Algebra class wouldn't be able to read the test, which was partially written in Hebrew script, let alone solve it as it contained problems she struggled with in Calculus III and Differential Equations class.

That night, RTCity decided "fuck this, I'm out," and had his mom pick him up.

"So, sweetie; did you have a fun time with your girlfriend?" RTCity's mom asked; accidentally turning into oncoming traffic as they exited McDonalds.

"I'm asexual, mom. I only like gryphons," RT whined.

"Oh, haha, of course you are, son. I love you," she replied, driving over the island and into the left lane. She nearly hit a Croatian man in a Cube, much to his chagrin.

"MOM!" shouted RTCity, who had just last night read the Colorado Driver's Manual and was watching his mother for driving mistakes.

"What, sweetie?" she asked; putting her hands back on the wheel and tossing her phone into the passenger seat.

"You didn't use your turn signals," he replied. RT casually glanced at the rear-view mirror on his side and gasped.

"What the FUCK!?" he shouted; scaring his mother and causing her to swerve into the right lane.

"Turn signals!!" RT screamed in a condescending tone. "But speed the fuck up!" he shouted as Tomoko sprinted towards the passenger window.

"That's impossible," began Tomoko as she sat alone in her chair with no friends to laugh at the wacky stories Oaky was writing about her. "Nobody can run as fast as a car, not even the famed Jew Abraham."

Tomoko recalled that she was late to Sunday class, and rushed to school. Seeing a Belgian Malinois, however, she fled in fear from the Nazi canine.

Back at her house, she remembered that she was late to Sunday class, and rushed to school. Seeing the same Belgian Malinois, she fled in fear from the Nazi canine.

This time, Tomoko decided to stay home.

"They can't blame me for not being able to go to school," she panted - tired from the exercise that she was unaccustomed to. In a moment of weakness, she considered showering away the sweat and oil that had accumulated on her skin, but remembered that cleanliness was not kosher and returned to her bathtub to browse 4chan.

---

"Shut up with these fucking stories," infamous queer Shelley Goldstein protested. Oaky's writings had been a nuisance to her all day - he had written 12 stories thus far about her imaginary escapades, and it was getting on her nerves.

With salt pouring from every orifice, she turned up the volume on her favorite song, The Exodus Song (This Land Is Mine) and sang along; happily wishing death upon America. Suddenly, a campaign advertisement interrupted her listening pleasure as it began to loop for the nineteenth time.

Hearing the words "Franklin Delano Roosevelt" filled her with white-hot, Jewish fury - simply mentioning the greatest American president of all time was an insult to her superiority. She stormed out of her house, still inside of her bathtub, and went to the local DMV to complain to the only bureaucracy she knew about.

"I'd like to make a COMPLAINT, goyim!" she shouted; spraying spittle across the face of a disinterested Latino woman.

"Yeah, yeah; alright, I just need... uhh... to fill out this paper..." the woman said slowly, pulling out a sheet and activating the silent alarm. The sheet asked for a myriad of tidbits about the person registering the complaint, but as she reached the 'race' checkbox, she was horrified to find that it had already been marked 'White'.

"EXCUSE ME, filth! I am NOT white! I am an Ashkenazi JEW!" Tomoko screamed; erupting into a temper tantrum so violent that four upstanding American citizens were required to restrain her. By then, the armored boys in black had arrived, and Tomoko was arrested for the eleventh time in her life.

In his QLTY-class cruiser, emperor Spinnythings questioned his wavering influence in the world, and bitch-slapped Ava to reaffirm his place on the hierarchy of salt.

My only regret is not being able to write these on my own forum

that was beautiful
the best short story i have ever read online

it's like the tomoquo equivalent of the canterbury tales

i broke it up with horizontal rules

oaky narrates two parts of the story with gusto



i had to re-record these sections so many times because i fucked up and i decided i didnt want to fix like 9 minutes of audio in audacity

i'm going to do my version of this sometime

do itttt

oaky wrote:oaky narrates two parts of the story with gusto



i had to re-record these sections so many times because i fucked up and i decided i didnt want to fix like 9 minutes of audio in audacity

gunna watch this when i get home

it is truly quality

gonna try to get a mic of actual quality in a month or so

whats wrong with your current mic

it has issues picking up my voice unless i'm screaming at it(regardless of where i am)

i dont have a nasally voice

tomoko wrote:i dont have a nasally voice

its my jewish stereotype voice mixed with the shitty mic

this guy aint going to pay for a new headset and mic

hiding this jussssst to be safe

america's finest work makes its return to the public eye

is it considered a necrobump when rt does it or is it just a daily reminder type deal

who gives a shit it's the tomoquoise tales

tomoko wrote:i dont have a nasally voice

you just told us you have a nasally voice bitch what now

"ohhh moi beeejuaaaay" -Tomoko when she taking the d from big dick smith (me)

required reading for all thunderdumbs

pulblitzer prize 2420

don't even know who blitz is but his name completed the pun

he was probably an asshole